Don't Say Anything At All

In our family we have always had the rule "If you can't say something nice then don't say anything at all". Of course, at times it can contradict the other rules that we have such as "Always tell the truth" and "Stand up for your beliefs". There seems to be some balance in life that takes skill in knowing when to "Not say anything at all" and standing up for your beliefs and being sensitive to other's not believing the same as you and honoring their right to believe differently.

As a parent I try to always practice what I preach. You know the old saying, "There are 3 ways to teach they are 1. by example, 2. by example and 3. by example". I am a firm believer in that philosophy. I can't expect and don't expect my children to do anything differently than what I am willing to do myself (although I do hope with all my heart that they will be better than me). I have been struggling lately to find this balance of what to say and when to say it.

Sadly, in our family I have this routine with my children. They want to know how I feel about something and if I think it is something that they don't want to hear then I ask "How honest do you want me to be?". There are times that they brace themselves and say "Go ahead, tell me exactly what you think". There are other times that they make remarks something like "Never mind, I will ask someone else" or "Could you be less honest today?". I honor their wishes in these circumstances and hold back. Often they take time and then come back and say "OK, I am ready now". Other times they just smile and go look for the validation that need from someone else. But through it all, they know that if they come to me and ask me my opinion I will always be honest, not cruel intentionally, just honest in my point of view.

There have been times that this method of parenting has led to heart felt conversation and at times differing opinions. There have been even more times that I have had to be willing to do the same thing and listen to the honest remarks and evaluations that they have. I have had to listen to things that are sometimes painful to hear but the trust that we have built through this process is priceless to me. We have learned to communicate on a level that I believe is a rare thing in this world that we live in. I value it immensely.

I also realize that there are many people who do not want to communicate on this level and are not prepared to hear the responses that can flow out. To some people discussing things can be "too controversial" and would rather avoid a topic than to offer any differing opinions because they are not accustomed to discussing things on that level. Surely, by now you are wondering why I am babbling on about all this. It is because I have been struggling with finding that balance of when to "Not say anything at all" because it might not come out as nice sounding as I would like it to and when to "Stand for my beliefs".

In an effort to sound nice for the last couple of weeks I have not been saying anything at all. When the truth is that I feel like I am going to burst from frustration! I also have come to the conclusion that sometimes people don't want to know you on a deep level, I know that is the case in some of my relationships with others. There are times that I am really curious and love to explore and gain deeper understanding of what makes people tick and there are times that my comfort level enjoys complete shallowness (is that a word?). So the conclusion that I have come to is to have a blog that is comfortable to all that is shallow and only explores the smiles and the outer surface of what makes our family tick. AND... then in solution to my need to throw out a deeper "me" into the universe I will have a separate blog that will be a little less than the rantings and ravings of a women desperately trying to hold on to some sanity. Haha... Any suggestions on names of my new blog??? I was thinking something along the line of "Rantings" or "The Next Level" or "More Than You Really Want to Know" or "Therapy". Hey, I am open to suggestions! Does anyone else ever feel this way?